Dear Keiko, I‘ve been following you for, I don‘t know, more than 15yrs I want to say. I was born a few weeks after you, and I‘ve had OCD for as long as I remember. I saw a psychiatrist when I was 17 because I had fallen into depression and he helped me a lot. A few years later I was feeling worse again and somehow ended up at a psychoanalyst (not sure it is a thing in the US, I‘m in Europe) which was awful and not something to do with OCD! I am now afraid to try a see someone again because you really need to find someone who knows OCD but several of my obsessions have gotten really heavy to carry. Funnily, I got a haircut in November and it came out way shorter than I discussed with the hairdresser and my hair grows so slowly. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I find myself in a somewhat similar situation ❤️
I’m sorry you had that experience. It’s really frustrating to be analyzed by someone who doesn’t have experience with OCD. Not sure if ERP training is common in Europe but that’s what I’ve had the best luck with if you can find a trained professional — but I also practice self-directed ERP. It has helped me a lot. Not in a permanent, I’m cured kind of way, but in a “I know how to manage this” kind of way. It helped a lot with some of my social anxieties that stemmed from ocd!
This is so real. The self-awareness of the OCD taking control is the hardest part. I've quite literally said out loud, "I know. I know it's OCD, motherf***er." Thank you for sharing. Keep braving the uncomfortable.
I just saw your video on Instagram and had to reach out. I have the same thing. I have OCD and recently struggled with compulsions of cutting my hair.
Your writing could have been written by me (only you write very beautifully, and perhaps I would not..!). I, too, cut my hair in secret, and every day it got shorter, and shorter and shorter. And then I, too, cried. And then asked my husband to hide the scissors!
My compulsion was more driven by needing to just fix it a little more each time.
Thank you for sharing this - I fell so much less alone.
Oh Keiko, I got diagnosed with OCD (PureO) about a month ago, and I’m still coming to terms with all the ways OCD has impacted my life that I didn’t even realise.
I’ve followed you on Insta for a while but I had NO IDEA you had OCD but I so so SO appreciate the openness and the honest conversation about it. OCD has made me feel so alone and this is a super important and helpful reminder that I and so many others are not!
The more you open up to people, the more you’ll realize how many people struggle with different levels and variations of it. You’re definitely not alone! You’ve got this!
I'm so relieved to see someone else talk about this.
I used to really struggle with what I thought was impulsive need to cut and dye my hair and now I'm realizing that maybe it wasn't "impulsive" at all. People used to love to poke fun at it and I would so often get comments under photos of my new hair calling me "psycho" and crazy" (mostly in what they thought was good fun) and people getting legitimately angry at me for saying "I think I want a haircut."
The stigma of people thinking I was "crazy" and not being able to explain why having my bangs a millimeter too long was ruining my life was so isolating. I've never had anyone relate to that until now.
I’m always apologizing to Bobby for how exhausting it must be to deal with my “quirks” even though he’s really supportive and lovely about it. But sometimes if I don’t just allow myself to change a number or stop everything to knock on wood (whether once or 28 times) I feel like I’m going to vomit and then I have anxiety all day. It’s really a horrible feeling!
I appreciate you sharing your story here. Things are really stressful in the world, so it isn't surprising that many of us are having a harder time than usual. I actually cut my own hair whenever I'm having a really hard time or going through something really heavy. I don't know why, I just do. Love to you.
It is somewhat therapeutic to make big physical changes when things feel out of control. Which is a big reason I wanted to sit and wait with this decision. But then I did it, internationally, and still somehow ended up losing control. 😂
Thank you for sharing your struggles, but also the reality of coping with something like OCD and the ups and downs. I had to smile a little because with most things, I need symmetry (the opposite of you), so if someone jabs or punches my right arm, you better believe I need them to do the same to my left. On the plus side, your hair looks adorable! But, in all seriousness, I applaud you for managing your very best and also keeping it real.
Symmetry seems to be more common! And weirdly makes more sense to me. As a kid in therapy, I realized that my need for everything being to the left tied back to trying to be more like my mom who was left-handed. I tried so hard to be left handed when I was a kid and when it didn’t work out, I became obsessed with everything being off balance to the left. So strange!
Keiko, idk how I’ve followed you since like 2012 and never knew you had OCD! (Sorry if you’ve mentioned it and I just forgot).
I’m glad you shared this story. One of the things that has kept me coming back to your content is that you speak fairly openly about things like chronic depression and migraines (both of which I also deal with 🙃). In recent years I’ve also come to self-identify as AuDHD.
I think something that’s really hard about being someone who appears “high functioning” is that people don’t seem to get how much we really suffer (and we—esp femmes—tend to downplay and tell ourselves other ppl have it worse).
So anyway, that’s why I appreciate you and always come back. You seem like someone who “gets” it (unfortunately). In other news, I also cut my hair into a bob recently (admittedly, mine was fully intentional and done by a professional), so twinsies! 🥂
I’ve talked about it a bit in the distant past, on the blog — but it’s something that’s so weirdly a part of my life that I don’t think about it much until it escalates. It started when I was a little kid and got progressively worse in middle school, then better, and now I’ve just learned how to live with it without it hindering my life. 🥰 a lot of people think when I say I have ocd that I mean I’m a perfectionist but it’s actually not that at all — but funnily enough, people saying they have ocd and not meaning it literally was actually one of the reasons I became more comfortable talking about it. ❤️
Dear Keiko, I‘ve been following you for, I don‘t know, more than 15yrs I want to say. I was born a few weeks after you, and I‘ve had OCD for as long as I remember. I saw a psychiatrist when I was 17 because I had fallen into depression and he helped me a lot. A few years later I was feeling worse again and somehow ended up at a psychoanalyst (not sure it is a thing in the US, I‘m in Europe) which was awful and not something to do with OCD! I am now afraid to try a see someone again because you really need to find someone who knows OCD but several of my obsessions have gotten really heavy to carry. Funnily, I got a haircut in November and it came out way shorter than I discussed with the hairdresser and my hair grows so slowly. Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I find myself in a somewhat similar situation ❤️
I’m sorry you had that experience. It’s really frustrating to be analyzed by someone who doesn’t have experience with OCD. Not sure if ERP training is common in Europe but that’s what I’ve had the best luck with if you can find a trained professional — but I also practice self-directed ERP. It has helped me a lot. Not in a permanent, I’m cured kind of way, but in a “I know how to manage this” kind of way. It helped a lot with some of my social anxieties that stemmed from ocd!
This is so real. The self-awareness of the OCD taking control is the hardest part. I've quite literally said out loud, "I know. I know it's OCD, motherf***er." Thank you for sharing. Keep braving the uncomfortable.
I just saw your video on Instagram and had to reach out. I have the same thing. I have OCD and recently struggled with compulsions of cutting my hair.
Your writing could have been written by me (only you write very beautifully, and perhaps I would not..!). I, too, cut my hair in secret, and every day it got shorter, and shorter and shorter. And then I, too, cried. And then asked my husband to hide the scissors!
My compulsion was more driven by needing to just fix it a little more each time.
Thank you for sharing this - I fell so much less alone.
P.s., you look gorgeous with your shorter do :)
Such a brilliant read!!
Oh Keiko, I got diagnosed with OCD (PureO) about a month ago, and I’m still coming to terms with all the ways OCD has impacted my life that I didn’t even realise.
I’ve followed you on Insta for a while but I had NO IDEA you had OCD but I so so SO appreciate the openness and the honest conversation about it. OCD has made me feel so alone and this is a super important and helpful reminder that I and so many others are not!
The more you open up to people, the more you’ll realize how many people struggle with different levels and variations of it. You’re definitely not alone! You’ve got this!
Thankyou so much! I wrote about it after your comment, and I think I’m going to upload it on here in the hopes it might help just one person 🥰
I'm so relieved to see someone else talk about this.
I used to really struggle with what I thought was impulsive need to cut and dye my hair and now I'm realizing that maybe it wasn't "impulsive" at all. People used to love to poke fun at it and I would so often get comments under photos of my new hair calling me "psycho" and crazy" (mostly in what they thought was good fun) and people getting legitimately angry at me for saying "I think I want a haircut."
The stigma of people thinking I was "crazy" and not being able to explain why having my bangs a millimeter too long was ruining my life was so isolating. I've never had anyone relate to that until now.
Thank you so much for posting this.
I’m always apologizing to Bobby for how exhausting it must be to deal with my “quirks” even though he’s really supportive and lovely about it. But sometimes if I don’t just allow myself to change a number or stop everything to knock on wood (whether once or 28 times) I feel like I’m going to vomit and then I have anxiety all day. It’s really a horrible feeling!
I appreciate you sharing your story here. Things are really stressful in the world, so it isn't surprising that many of us are having a harder time than usual. I actually cut my own hair whenever I'm having a really hard time or going through something really heavy. I don't know why, I just do. Love to you.
It is somewhat therapeutic to make big physical changes when things feel out of control. Which is a big reason I wanted to sit and wait with this decision. But then I did it, internationally, and still somehow ended up losing control. 😂
Thank you for sharing your struggles, but also the reality of coping with something like OCD and the ups and downs. I had to smile a little because with most things, I need symmetry (the opposite of you), so if someone jabs or punches my right arm, you better believe I need them to do the same to my left. On the plus side, your hair looks adorable! But, in all seriousness, I applaud you for managing your very best and also keeping it real.
Symmetry seems to be more common! And weirdly makes more sense to me. As a kid in therapy, I realized that my need for everything being to the left tied back to trying to be more like my mom who was left-handed. I tried so hard to be left handed when I was a kid and when it didn’t work out, I became obsessed with everything being off balance to the left. So strange!
Keiko, idk how I’ve followed you since like 2012 and never knew you had OCD! (Sorry if you’ve mentioned it and I just forgot).
I’m glad you shared this story. One of the things that has kept me coming back to your content is that you speak fairly openly about things like chronic depression and migraines (both of which I also deal with 🙃). In recent years I’ve also come to self-identify as AuDHD.
I think something that’s really hard about being someone who appears “high functioning” is that people don’t seem to get how much we really suffer (and we—esp femmes—tend to downplay and tell ourselves other ppl have it worse).
So anyway, that’s why I appreciate you and always come back. You seem like someone who “gets” it (unfortunately). In other news, I also cut my hair into a bob recently (admittedly, mine was fully intentional and done by a professional), so twinsies! 🥂
I’ve talked about it a bit in the distant past, on the blog — but it’s something that’s so weirdly a part of my life that I don’t think about it much until it escalates. It started when I was a little kid and got progressively worse in middle school, then better, and now I’ve just learned how to live with it without it hindering my life. 🥰 a lot of people think when I say I have ocd that I mean I’m a perfectionist but it’s actually not that at all — but funnily enough, people saying they have ocd and not meaning it literally was actually one of the reasons I became more comfortable talking about it. ❤️